Forgiveness – to cease to feel resentment against
It is a curious thing that when there is a death in a family or church there are steps that are often discussed. They are commonly known as the five stages of grief.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
When child sexual abuse happens within a family or within a church, there appears to be only one step in the process, forgiveness. This forgiveness that is often touted comes from those who were not present at the abuse yet feel that they are qualified to tell a survivor how they should feel, how they should cope, and what reasonable boundaries are. These are also the ones who feel qualified to state when the survivor is being too hard on the one that offended them.
Very often there is little time allowed to process what happened, understand the legal ramifications, and go through the same grieving process that one would go through as if there were a death. After all, what happened was the death of a relationship as it once was. It will never be the same again.
Often those who are demanding forgiveness and bypassing the process are in one of two camps.
- The offender
- The offender’s flying monkeys
The offender wants the grieving process to be bypassed because they realize they have been caught and they want to move on so in many cases they can continue abusing in the future. This scrutiny is uncomfortable for them they want to move away from the discomfort. This avoidance of discomfort is ironic given the discomfort they were willing to put another human being through. The pleas for forgiveness are more an apology for being caught rather than repentance. If they can coax an “I forgive you” from a survivor, then it becomes exponentially more difficult for the survivor to have their abuser prosecuted. They forgave them after all, and the abuser knows this. It is why they rush to forgiveness.
The offender’s flying monkeys. These are individuals who have a relationship with the offender that can be genuine, or they could be used by the offender to deflect accusation or gain access to others. The flying monkeys are the individuals beyond the offender who apply social pressure to just forgive and move on. Again, bypassing the healing process for the survivor.
If we find ourselves in church or family situations where we are just wanting an individual to forgive and let go, we are denying them the grieving process for something that was traumatic to them. This process is something that happens on their timeline. Who are we or who is an abuser to set the timeline by which they are forgiven and furthermore brought back into the good graces of the one they offended. It is pretty arrogant to think an individual who abuses another can set the terms and conditions of the forgiveness of their offense.
If we are jumping to forgiveness prior to law enforcement becoming involved, we are not on the side of the abused. If we jump to forgiveness before counseling has occurred, we are not on the side of the abused. If we jump to forgiveness before the victim/survivor sets and defines their boundaries, we are not on the side of the abused. If we are criticizing the boundaries a victim/survivor sets, we are not on the side of the abused.
It seems apparent that in our culture that the way we have handled things in the past created a mess. Rushing to forgiveness was a part of that problem. Perhaps we should try dealing with this a different way as we work to clean up the mess. Real forgiveness can come after the survivor has dealt with the baggage they were left with, and knowing that consequences have been administered with healthy boundaries that are respected set by the survivor.