Tag Archives: Abuse

When forgiveness is not so scripted, it becomes real

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Forgiveness – to cease to feel resentment against

It is a curious thing that when there is a death in a family or church there are steps that are often discussed. They are commonly known as the five stages of grief.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

When child sexual abuse happens within a family or within a church, there appears to be only one step in the process, forgiveness. This forgiveness that is often touted comes from those who were not present at the abuse yet feel that they are qualified to tell a survivor how they should feel, how they should cope, and what reasonable boundaries are. These are also the ones who feel qualified to state when the survivor is being too hard on the one that offended them.

Very often there is little time allowed to process what happened, understand the legal ramifications, and go through the same grieving process that one would go through as if there were a death. After all, what happened was the death of a relationship as it once was. It will never be the same again.

Often those who are demanding forgiveness and bypassing the process are in one of two camps.

  1. The offender
  2. The offender’s flying monkeys

The offender wants the grieving process to be bypassed because they realize they have been caught and they want to move on so in many cases they can continue abusing in the future. This scrutiny is uncomfortable for them they want to move away from the discomfort. This avoidance of discomfort is ironic given the discomfort they were willing to put another human being through. The pleas for forgiveness are more an apology for being caught rather than repentance. If they can coax an “I forgive you” from a survivor, then it becomes exponentially more difficult for the survivor to have their abuser prosecuted. They forgave them after all, and the abuser knows this. It is why they rush to forgiveness.

The offender’s flying monkeys. These are individuals who have a relationship with the offender that can be genuine, or they could be used by the offender to deflect accusation or gain access to others. The flying monkeys are the individuals beyond the offender who apply social pressure to just forgive and move on. Again, bypassing the healing process for the survivor.

If  we find ourselves in church or family situations where we are just wanting an individual to forgive and let go, we are denying them the grieving process for something that was traumatic to them. This process is something that happens on their timeline. Who are we or who is an abuser to set the timeline by which they are forgiven and furthermore brought back into the good graces of the one they offended. It is pretty arrogant to think an individual who abuses another can set the terms and conditions of the forgiveness of their offense.

If we are jumping to forgiveness prior to law enforcement becoming involved, we are not on the side of the abused. If we jump to forgiveness before counseling has occurred, we are not on the side of the abused. If we jump to forgiveness before the victim/survivor sets and defines their boundaries, we are not on the side of the abused. If we are criticizing the boundaries a victim/survivor sets, we are not on the side of the abused.

It seems apparent that in our culture that the way we have handled things in the past created a mess. Rushing to forgiveness was a part of that problem. Perhaps we should try dealing with this a different way as we work to clean up the mess. Real forgiveness can come after the survivor has dealt with the baggage they were left with, and knowing that consequences have been administered with healthy boundaries that are respected set by the survivor.

gameplanGameplan. Plans are things that we make in preparation for an event. Games are things we play, sometimes against a rival or adversary for recreation. If we put these two terms together we get the term “gameplan”.

A gameplan is defined as, a strategy worked out in advance, especially in sports, politics, or business.

When looking at the definition of gameplan, it does not have to be a game being played. Politics can be far beyond a game, often politics is quite adversarial.

Knowing that a gameplan is not only for recreational pursuits, shouldn’t one have a gameplan for protecting those around them?

The failure to have a plan when any event occurs, often leads to emotional decision making. Proverbs 21:5 tells us, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.” When one allows emotion to decide, the decisions made are often far less intelligent than decisions are made when there is more objectivity and far less emotion.

Unfortunately, child sexual abuse with all of its prevalence, remains a taboo topic in our families and our churches. With one in six being abused before the age of eighteen, why the silence? The only ones benefitting from the silence are those who abuse or hide the abuse. If this is the case, Why the silence? No gameplan.

This is not a fun topic, it might be about as much fun as discussing life insurance, but a plan of what to do if something happens to one of your children or a child you know can make the difference. The difference is between the abuse of others continuing and the abuse coming to a halt. So, what should the plan be? For starters, wouldn’t obedience to the law be the minimum? This would put one on the correct side of the first part of Romans 13.

When it comes to those in your care, having a gameplan prevents others from preventing you from following the law. Think it does not happen? Child sexual assault one of the most underreported crimes in America today. Why? Predators are masters at deception and fooling many around them.

If you don’t have a gameplan consider one. You will make better decisions if you do.

 

The Grandiose Narcissist

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The grandiose narcissist can be a very dangerous person to have your children around. A narcissist is incapable of reacting appropriately to others pain or discomfort, and a grandiose individual is one who is impressive, larger than life, easily attracting a crowd or following. James Martin in his November 13, 2011 article in americanmagazine.org indicates that research has been done in the Catholic sex abuse scandal indicating that there were two common traits among the priests that had been removed. Why is this concoction so concerning? We are not looking for a shady person hanging around a city park, the more likely scenario is these are people you already know and have access to your children.

If one is paying attention they have seen similar situations on the news. Often after an arrest some reporter will roam a neighborhood getting the opinions of neighbors. Most of the answers the reporter will get is that the person arrested was a great person and that they had no idea, and state that the offender loved children and would never harm a child. Many will mention the individuals volunteer efforts and even express that they don’t believe that the accused was capable of abusing a child. The grandiose narcissist is easily liked and can easily fool others to what they are really about.

It is extremely difficult to identify an individual in a child’s life that has these characteristics. Most coaches, many teachers, ministers, and family members can be viewed as grandiose by a child therefore your child wants to be around them. As a watchman have you noticed any boundaries being crossed in these relationships? A boundary being crossed can be an honest mistake or ignorance, but it can also be a telltale sign that your child is being groomed. When a boundary is crossed check the individual, look into their behaviors. If things begin to appear to be all about them, perhaps contact should be limited or ended.

When those that believe the grandiose persona more than the victim a tremendous injustice to the victim occurs. Often an accused molester will utilize pity as a defense mechanism which feeds his narcissism, but also removes focus from the victim.

Good watchmen will look for the small signs that a predator may be grooming a victim and do what they can to prevent abuse from occurring. In addition, a good watchman will not allow the pity card to be played by an abuser to the point that the voice of the abused falls silent.