Today, I would like to consider differences in the way men and women think about and respond to sexual assault and discuss whether that has an impact the kind of watchmen we have in the church. Recently, a friend of mine shared an experiment from a book called The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help by Jackson Katz, PhD. I’d like to try the same experiment on you – the readers.

I’m going to start by asking our male readers to answer this question: What steps do you take, daily, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? Feel free to use the comment section to write your answer. If you do leave a comment, please indicate that you are a man.

Now, I would like to ask our female readers to answer the same question: What steps do you take, daily, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted?” Again, feel free to use the comment section to write your answer. Please indicate that you are a woman.

I am a woman, so I’ll use this opportunity to tell you some of the steps that I take.

• I hold my keys as a weapon.
• I look in the back seat of the car before getting in.
• I always carry my cell phone.
• If I go running in the dark, it is always in a group and in a very well lit and heavily populated area.
• I wear only one earbud when running.
• I carry mace or pepper spray.
• I park in well-lit areas.
• I am mindful about what I wear.
• I lock all the doors and windows when I sleep, and double check to make sure they are locked before going to bed.
• I use a home security system.
• I avoid highway rest areas.
• I avoid being alone with any man that is not my husband, even men that I know very well.
• I lock my car doors as soon as I get in the car.
• When leaving the house, I don’t open my garage door until my car doors are locked, and I make sure my garage door closes all the way before pulling out of the driveway.
• When returning home, I make sure the garage door is closed all the way before getting out of my car.

My guess is that many men don’t think about protecting themselves from sexual assault on a daily basis, but that for most women, it has become second nature. Here is what Dr. Katz has to say about his experiment:

I draw a line down the middle of a chalkboard, sketching a male symbol on one side and a female symbol on the other side. Then I ask just the men: “What steps do you guys take, on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted?” At first, there is kind of an awkward silence as the men try to figure out if they’ve been asked a trick question. The silence gives way to a smattering of nervous laughter. Occasionally, a young guy will raise his hand and say, “I stay out of prison.” This is typically followed by another moment of laughter before someone finally raises his hand and soberly states, “Nothing. I don’t think about it.”

Then I ask the women the same question. “What steps to you take, on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted?” Women throughout the audience immediately start raising their hands. As the men sit in stunned silence, the women recount safety precautions they take as a part of daily routine.

This experiment was an eye-opener for me. Protecting myself is so ingrained in what I do, and it never occurred to me that men don’t do the same things because they don’t perceive the same threats.

Now for the million-dollar question: What does this experiment have to do with being a good watchman or preventing and stopping sexual abuse in our churches? At first glance, this experiment may not seem like it has much to do with being a good watchman at all. However, when I read about this experiment, it made me start thinking of how differently men think about and even respond to sexual assault. That is a big a problem, especially when our churches are led by men. Because many men don’t perceive sexual assault or sexual abuse as a personal threat, they may not know the first thing about being a watchman or about spotting the threat to women and children in their families or in their churches. Therefore, it is essential that the men – especially those that are shepherding the flocks at our churches – receive special training on how to spot the threat, how to stop it, how to prevent it, and how to stand up for those who experience it.

Our website – ezekiel33project.org – has a wealth of information on the subject and can be a powerful resource for your church. You may also want to read Steve Black’s book titled What Kind of Watchman Are You? This book is a great resource for all men in leadership positions within their churches because it deals with the issue of child sexual abuse, exposing the tactics often employed by abusers and bullies and discusses what can be done to reduce the number of survivors each predator has before being stopped.

Men, don’t let differences in the way you think about and respond to sexual assault prevent you from being the best watchman you can be. Your families and your churches need you to do whatever it takes.

Grooming can be defined as the training or preparation of someone for a particular purpose.

When examining the tactics that predators use to gain access to children, grooming almost always comes up. This is the case because more often than not, the abuse of a child will come at the hand of an individual that they know rather than a complete stranger. For a predator to accomplish this, they must prepare their target (groom) to be able to accomplish their desired result.

Currently in the entertainment world, Drake – a musician, songwriter, and entertainer – has gained attention by many based on an apparent texting relationship with 14-year-old entertainer Millie Bobby Brown. The entertainment press states that Drake (31) gives Brown advice on boys via text message. Many of our children and/or their friends listen to the music of these entertainers and keep up with them on the internet and social media, therefore “normalizing” a 31-year-old man (who has no familial relationship to Brown) texting a 14-year-old girl (Bryne, 2018).

The entertainment press saw this as a red flag. With a little searching, it appears that Drake has a pattern that is being exposed and this fact has been raised on social media. Drake has a history of this behavior that appears to have started in his mid to late twenties. He previously had a relationship with Bella Harris, who he met when she was 16. Their relationship started when she was 18. He had another relationship with Hailey Baldwin who he dated when she was 18 and met when she was 14.

Although what the press has told us is technically legal, there is most definitely a pattern of a popular entertainer/musician meeting a much younger female who likely is a fan. Drake gives attention to this fan over time, and then when the fan is 18, they are “dating.” Where is the power equity in these relationships? Another question would be, where are the parents? Why is nobody speaking up for these young women?

The answer is likely in one word – grooming.

We are uncertain about the parental involvement in the situations with Drake but grooming often involves the parents of the child that is the target of the predator. This is done to gain trust, gain opportunities for access, and build a favorable impression of the individual seeking access. The parents are often befriended by the predator, so the predator can then have access to the child. The fact that a relationship is formed that is strong enough for parents to trust the predator already has the parents in a state of mind that if an accusation occurs, the parents are more likely to doubt the child. This relationship also is what will drive a child to not report because the child sees that the predator and parents are friends. In fact, only 1 in 10 children report abuse. This may be because the child does not want to disappoint their parents.

If we consider the relationships our children have with other adults, it very much resembles a target. The outer rings are those who the family is acquainted with, but the relationship is not very deep. Then there are friends and distant relatives that your family may spend more time with. These are the people that when you mention going to visit, your children ask who they are. The next ring in on the target is likely your friends and close extended family. Your children’s coaches may fall in this category if they are involved in youth sports. You share more time with your family and these friends and on a more frequent basis. The next ring in are extremely close friends, close family, and parents/grandparents. The center ring on the target are those that live under your roof or have a key to your house and are over 2-3 times a week for more than a few minutes.

As parents or those involved with youth, we should be aware of this and ask ourselves why an individual seeks to cross from one of the rings on the target, into one closer to the center. In our earlier example with Drake, why is a 31-year-old unrelated man sending texts to a fourteen-year-old girl? That is a jump of a few rings on the target by an individual who has a habit of doing so with girls between 14 and 16.

Grooming is a process of traversing the rings on the target described earlier with the intention of normalizing interest in a child with the parents and then the child. Once the predator has built trust through grooming, they then exploit it for their own personal desires and begin abusing often in a gradual process to normalize the abuse, much like their interest in the child and their family was normalized.

Grooming is not easy to spot, but here are a few tips that one can use to go through the process of identifying grooming.

1. Is there no good reason that an individual is seeking to move to a more inner ring on your relationships target?
2. Why is a child three years older spending a large amount of time with my child?
3. Touching your child in front of you.
4. Accusing you of being too sensitive if you ask about them touching your child.
5. Another adult appears to be more interested in your child than you.

As we raise and care for the children around us, we must look for those awkward moments where things just don’t add up and risk being “socially odd” in the name of safety. Being the good watchman of Ezekiel 33:2-6 does not guarantee one will always be the awesome parent in your kid’s eyes, but it may very well protect them.

Bryne, S. (2018, September 19). 14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown and Drake, 31, text ‘about boys’ and the internet is horrified: ‘This is called grooming’. Retrieved from Yahoo Entertainment: https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/14-year-old-millie-bobby-brown-drake-31-text-boys-internet-horrified-called-grooming-162337845.html

Though sexual abuse, especially in the church, can be a gut-wrenching subject to tackle, it is essential that we do so. Lately, Steve and I have been considering the Pennsylvania grand jury report and the despicable revelations regarding decades of horrendous abuse and intentional cover-ups within the Roman Catholic Church. The seemingly endless stories of abuse at the hands of priests are enough to turn one’s stomach on their own, but what makes this situation even more disgraceful is the fact that the Roman Catholic Church chose to cover it up rather than risk damage to the reputation of the Church and its leaders if the public knew what was going on behind closed church doors. That first decision made by the Roman Catholic Church over 70 years ago to protect the abuser while shaming and neglecting the abused set a disgusting precedent for years to come that emboldened other predators and created a safe place for evil to thrive in what was supposed to be a holy space, leading to devasting consequences for literally thousands of innocent children and young people. Oh, had the Roman Catholic Church considered the simple truth that whatever one seeks to cover up will eventually be made known. That truth comes directly from scripture: “For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.” Luke 8:17. This truth should make every abuser and those who have ever helped to cover up abuse cower in fear. The investigation that brought these evil works to light was initiated by the office of Attorney General Josh Shapiro. In a news conference, Shapiro stated, “They protected their institution at all costs. As the grand jury found, the church showed a complete disdain for victims.” He also said that the cover-up by senior church officials “stretched in some cases all the way up to the Vatican.” According to the report, leaders of the Roman Catholic Church in Pennsylvania have covered up child sexual abuse by more than 300 priests over a period of 70 years, persuading victims not to report abuse and law enforcement not to investigate it. The report found more than 1,000 identifiable victims and stated that there are likely thousands more victims whose records were lost or who were too afraid to come forward.

The facts coming out of this investigation are infuriating to me. I keep asking myself how the abuse of even one child by one priest was ever permitted to go unpunished. How could an institution that is supposed to revere God allow literally hundreds of evil men to maintain their positions in the priesthood when they knew these men were actively abusing innocent children? I wonder how things could have been different had the Roman Catholic Church behaved in a righteous and just way. What if, upon learning of this crisis in the Church, they had a plan in place that would have empowered them to purge evil from within their walls, wrap their arms around the hurting and ensure that those victims found justice and healing? What if that plan provided a guide for proactively communicating with the public about their internal crisis in a way that would protect the Church and her followers for generations to come? Sadly, that is not what happened. The Pennsylvania grand jury report should be a wakeup call not just to every diocese in our country, but to all of Christendom. Because let’s be clear – this cover up does not just impact the reputation of the Roman Catholic Church, but of all Christian churches. This is not only a problem that the Roman Catholic Church is experiencing; this is a problem that happens in churches not affiliated with the Roman Catholic Church as well. The problem of sexual abuse exists among those of different faiths. In addition, this problem cuts across the basic ways that demographers like to divide us. This happens to those who are faithful and have no faith, wealthy and poor, in all areas of the country and the world. We live in a time when fewer and fewer people faithfully attend any church or strive to live according to God’s word. Many are highly skeptical of God and those who wear the name Christian and they believe that the church is filled with hypocrites. When news like this hits the fan, those who are skeptical feel that all their suspicions have been confirmed. Even faithful Christians are shaken to the core when they learn of such evil being permitted in the church, and they may be tempted to distance themselves from God and His people as result. So, here is the million-dollar question: Do you have any idea what you would do if something like this happened in your church?

Our churches need to have a crisis communication strategy in place before it is needed. Because whether you want to admit it, your words and actions affect how people think and feel about not only your congregation, but God’s Church as a whole. Not only that but your words and actions – or lack thereof – can directly impact the safety and wellbeing of children at your church. And let’s face it, perception shapes your church’s – and THE Church’s – reputation. Without trust, you cannot effectively share the good news of Christ or meet people’s needs. You just can’t. That is precisely why you need a crisis communications plan to help you weather the storm when – not if – a crisis happens in your congregation. It puts you in a position to best feed God’s sheep, keep children safe, to build trust, and makes your communications more effective, especially in times of crisis. Jodi Tonarelli of Courageous Storytellers authored a resource titled “Crisis Communication: 6 Tips You Won’t Want To Read.” Looking through the lens of crises that involve sexual abuse and/or misconduct in your church, I’ve included the six steps presented in her resource to serve as a guide for your church as you put your own crisis communication strategy in place.

Step 1: Determine if you have a crisis.

A crisis can be defined as a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger. It can also be defined as a time when a difficult or important decision must be made. There are many types of crises, including natural disasters in the community, physical destruction of the church, community tragedy with regional or national impact. All of these should be included in your plan. For the purposes of this blog, I’m focusing on crises that involve illegal, scandalous, or otherwise publicly questionable and/or immoral behavior by a church member or leader, and allegations of sexual misconduct by a church member, staff member, elder, or preacher. I think everyone would agree that the Roman Catholic Church in Pennsylvania is in a crisis. Somerset Church of Christ in Pennsylvania was in a crisis after it was revealed that their preacher, John Hinton, was a pedophile and had abused several young girls. Willow Creek Community Church is also in a crisis after the sexual misconduct of their founding preacher Bill Hybels, the institution’s mishandling of the investigation, and the eventual resignation of lead preachers and the entire eldership. If you have an accusation of sexual abuse or sexual misconduct in your church, you have a crisis on your hands.

When there is an accusation of sexual abuse in the church, the church MUST deal with the abusers and protect children and victims. The church absolutely must have policies and procedures in place to protect children. Background checks for every church employee and volunteer are a good start, but that’s all it is. A start. In Texas, where I am writing this blog, we have a mandatory reporting law. This means that ALL persons with knowledge of suspected child abuse or neglect must report it to the appropriate authorities immediately. Furthermore, those individuals who work with children, which includes bible teachers, must report the abuse within 48 hours. Anyone who fails to report abuse can be charged with a misdemeanor or state jail felony. Merely reporting the incident to your supervisor, elders, preacher, etc. is insufficient in the eyes of the law. That fact simply cannot be taken lightly by church leaders. Reporting suspected abuse to authorities must be a part of your crisis communication plan.

Step 2: Determine your team and your notification system.

Your church needs to assemble a crisis communication team that is as small as logistically possible for your congregation. While this is a small group, it is also a mighty group. Everyone on the team should operate with a high level of trust and candor. While it seems like common sense, I would also caution churches to realize that someone who seems overly sympathetic or sensitive toward accused abusers, who emphasizes forgiveness over justice and protection, and/or who is known to prevent allegations from being reported to the authorities does not have a place on this team. Once the team has been established, a notification system needs to be determined. What signal will be used to alert the team that there is a crisis? Who will send the signal? When and where will you meet to discuss the details of the crisis? Once you are together, it is essential that everyone in the room knows all the details. It is the only way you can move forward.

Step 3: Determine who needs to know.

Once all the details of the crisis are out on the table, the crisis communication team will determine what people or groups of people need to know about it. As mentioned in Step 1, you absolutely must report any suspected abuse to the authorities. Therefore, if the authorities have not yet been notified, you will need to determine who on your team will make that call and have them do it immediately. Next, the team will determine who else to notify about the situation and in what order to notify them. It may be wise to start with the smallest group and work toward the larger groups. Groups to consider include: church elders and deacons, church staff, Bible class teachers, ministry teams, the entire congregation, news media, and community partners.

Step 4: Determine what to say and who should say it.

Next, the crisis communication team should work together to create talking points that are specific to each group being notified of the crisis. Keep in mind that each group will likely have a different set of questions that need to be addressed. In all your communications about the crisis at hand, you must keep things as honest, transparent, and clear as possible.

Please know that you may not need to share every detail of the story to everyone right away, nor do you need every detail about the crisis to be confirmed before communicating the crisis with the groups that need to know. While taking the first step to communicate a crisis involving sexual abuse is extremely difficult, your team needs to break the story before an outside party does, and you need to do so with a high level of candor. Social media has completely changed the speed at which information is shared these days, and it’s much better for your church to tell your story rather than letting someone else tell it or allowing people to fill in the details for themselves.

It is also essential that you decide who from your crisis communication team will be delivering the messages to the groups you’ve determined need to be informed. This may not be, and in some cases should not be, your church’s preacher. You should choose a spokesperson that is trusted, well-spoken, and cool under pressure. Your spokesperson will need to practice the talking points determined by the crisis communication team and be as comfortable as possible when delivering your church’s message so that your audience is put at ease. This person should be prepared to have all inquiries directed to them, and your team should be prepared to give your spokesperson’s contact information to anyone with questions about the crisis.

Step 5: Be prepared to answer questions.

You will get questions. Therefore, when your crisis communication team meets, it may be a good idea to do some role-playing in which your team puts themselves in the shoes of each specific group on your list and determine possible questions that may come up once the information about the crisis has been shared. Your spokesperson and the team can then determine how to answer those questions while being as clear, honest, and transparent as ethically and morally possible.

Regardless of how high emotions are or what questions are asked, it is important to stick to your talking points. I would also like to emphasize that in matters as sensitive as these, it is OK to say, “I don’t know,” or, “I can’t comment on that right now.”

Step 6: Debrief

Once the crisis has been resolved, your crisis communication team should get together to evaluate how the situation was handled. Discuss what went well, what needs improvement, what surprises arose, what roles need to be changed, etc. A debrief meeting will allow you to handle crises even more effectively should there be a next time.

Friends, we live in a fallen world. Our churches are filled with broken people because it is the broken who need the Healer. But Satan is at work among even the most unsuspecting people in the most unlikely places. As uncomfortable as it may be to consider the possibility that a crisis of this nature may happen in your own congregation, it is best to be prepared. Not only does the plan help to protect the reputation of the Church, but it can also empower your church to best support the victims of abuse and prevent future incidents from happening. We hope these six steps serve as a helpful guide for you as you go create your own crisis communication plan.

One common technique that we see abusers and their flying monkeys use is minimization. These are the people who in the face of inconvertible evidence will state that whatever the abuser did, “It was not that bad”, “a mistake”, “the first time anything like that ever happened”. This is used to rush to normalcy and to avoid far more difficult and ugly conversations.

This is not new. I Corinthians 5:1-8 outlines something similar, not outright abuse, but rather the behavior that many youth organizations, churches and families will employ. Very often forgiveness is the very first thing that is offered before the depths of an individual’s depravity are known, before the other survivors come forward. When they do often their voice is silenced because the group has already “moved on” and the offender is already forgiven.

Not so fast. Let’s take a look at I Corinthians 5:1-2 again. Paul is not praising the Corinthians for their forgiveness. He is excoriating them for their tolerance! Today when an organization tolerates like the Corinthian church did, they go beyond what hardened criminals in our prison system will tolerate. In our correctional system sexual offenders are placed in specific populations for their safety. However, in our organizations, families, and churches we celebrate our “forgiveness” of such a person and invite them in the presence of those that are similar to or the very ones that they have offended previously. This is backwards.

This is not to say that the blood of Christ cannot cover the sins of those who repent of sexual offenses committed against children. That repentance must be a full reckoning of their deeds, independently verified if they have been incarcerated. They must understand that their crime involves a tremendous amount of deception if they are unwilling to truthfully disclose their deeds, it is likely a ruse and attempt to regain access to other individuals. Then special measures can be taken to ensure the spiritual growth of the individual, but it should not involve unfettered access as it did previously.

As we observe the #meetoo, #churchtoo, #familytoo events going on in our society today there are many attempts by those accused to minimize and move on. Unfortunately, many of these minimize to move on and offend again. What is truly going on is a request for tolerance that does not even occur in the U.S. prison system. We must be far more mindful of the degree to which offenders will use their craft of deception even when apparently caught. We need to be the good watchmen.