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Watch for “The Ruse”

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Ruse: a trick or act that is used to fool someone

Predators must have a ruse in order to accomplish their goals. They must fool not only the child they eventually abuse. The predator must also fool those who are in charge of the child’s care, most often parents. They use a ruse to commit the evil that they do. Although there are several methods that can be used as a ruse the most common ones can be boiled down to two types of technique often used in combination, deception and empathy.

Deception

Parents and children fall victim to deception when a predator has a legitimate reason to be near a child but has other intentions. A family gathering where an extended family member has a legitimate reason to be present can provide access to a child that they would not normally have access to. The parental line of defense has now been handled, now the predator only needs to deceive the child. At this point usually the predator begins to find ways of being alone with the child so they can begin to gradually cross boundaries. After several boundaries have been crossed to the point that the child appears to be fine with the redefinition of the relationship. It is at that point that a predatory individual will move the boundary of the previous normal with the child. There will be some reason that a predator will provide for the new amount of touch. This can occur over several family gatherings or all at once depending on the child and the predator’s skill and aggressiveness.

Empathy

Predators often use empathy to get past parental suspicion. Any type of life situation can be employed to get people, especially family, to feel sorry for them therefore a higher tolerance for indiscretions. Personal situations such as employment, weight, health condition, rough childhood, marital status, and financial situation can be used to have adults around them excuse perceived indiscretions. These situations are also used to gain allies in the event that a predator is caught and is under threat of prosecution.  In an extended family situation there will often be those who will side with the predator because of the empathy that they have for the predator’s situation. In essence the predator gains license for their behavior because of whatever reason that their allies feel sorry for them. These allies then pressure those who believe the predator should be turned in to not doing so. This is likely one significant reason behind child molestation being one of the most underreported crimes in the U.S. today.

Looking at the application of the ruse, it does not take much time to determine that appropriate boundaries should be set for every individual in your child’s life. There are those based on their role who have no reason to have any time alone with your child. There are others that should so long as they have been found trustworthy and honest. The closer the relationship with the parent, the more likely the parent is to have their guard down. One should never let their guard down.  If anything occurs that causes you to believe that you should change the amount of access anyone has to your child, trust your instinct.

 

psychopedagogics-learned-helplessness-accepti-T-DDF9EoLearned helplessness is a conditioned response where an individual has been stimulated negatively to the point that when they do have an opportunity to leave a negative situation, they choose to stay.

Matthew 5:5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth”

Matthew 5:5 is one of the most misunderstood and abused passages that our Lord ever spoke. A meek individual is not someone who lowers themselves to the equivalent of a human doormat. So many times Christians will become a doormat when they believe being confrontational is not following God’s will. In situations where confrontation is required we have scriptural examples in both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. In situations of abuse, because of the high likelihood that abuse came at the hand of a family member, or close family friend this is one of the verses that will be used to control the victim or victim’s family. In the end, the victim or their family tolerates oppression and further abuse believing that they are being an obedient Christian.

When Moses confronted Pharaoh about letting the Israelites go he did not cave to Pharaoh’s demands, yet in Numbers it states that Moses was a very meek individual. Numbers 12:3 “Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all people who were on the face of the earth.”

In Philippians Paul describes Christ’s humbleness. Also, several times in the gospels as Jesus was being tested by the Jewish leaders Jesus would answer, but would answer in a humble way. However, Jesus did cleanse the temple after entering Jerusalem in Matthew 21. He stated the authority behind his actions after having driven out the money changers and other vendors. The length of the verse does not do justice to what happened. There were multiple people that were concerned enough for their safety that they left the temple as Jesus drove them out. This is what we have all heard referred to as righteous anger.

In situations where a family is dealing with the abuse of their child it is an unfortunate reality where abusers or those aligned with them will use scripture as a weapon. Due to the misinterpretation that is so prevalent with Matthew 5:5, this is a favorite verse of those working to manipulate the victim or the victim’s family. In this situation a victim or family of a victim can find that nothing they do shy of bending to the will of the abuser or those aligned with them will satisfy. This can create a state of learned helplessness.

This is a scenario that we see in many situations in life. Many are curious why some choose to remain in a physically abusive relationship. What of those dealing with toxic families and the manipulation and mental abuse, do they remain in the relationship or do they leave? Based on learned helplessness theory, the pattern of abuse likely continues in toxic families because those abused have been conditioned to take the shock. As good watchmen we should be aware of situations that are presented. We will never know if encouraging someone to report abuse will end years of learned helplessness.

Three things

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If you are a survivor of abuse, you need to hear three things.

You did not do anything to deserve this. God loves you and hates sin. He did not have this happen to you. “God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone” (James 1:13). “God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all” (1 John 1:5). What happened to you was evil and since God cannot be near evil, He is not the one to blame.

You are not responsible for this happening to you. This did not happen to you because of what you were wearing. It certainly didn’t happen because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It had nothing to do with where you were but rather where your abusers heart was.

You are not damaged goods. Listen to those words, repeat them aloud. “I’m not damaged goods.” What happened to you was the product of someone caving to a sick temptation. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. God has plans for you and this is not what He wanted for you. What happened to you was not His plan.

These are things that are difficult to believe at first, and may even be so for many years. It is our prayer that you will discover those that will show you that these three things are true.

The Grandiose Narcissist

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The grandiose narcissist can be a very dangerous person to have your children around. A narcissist is incapable of reacting appropriately to others pain or discomfort, and a grandiose individual is one who is impressive, larger than life, easily attracting a crowd or following. James Martin in his November 13, 2011 article in americanmagazine.org indicates that research has been done in the Catholic sex abuse scandal indicating that there were two common traits among the priests that had been removed. Why is this concoction so concerning? We are not looking for a shady person hanging around a city park, the more likely scenario is these are people you already know and have access to your children.

If one is paying attention they have seen similar situations on the news. Often after an arrest some reporter will roam a neighborhood getting the opinions of neighbors. Most of the answers the reporter will get is that the person arrested was a great person and that they had no idea, and state that the offender loved children and would never harm a child. Many will mention the individuals volunteer efforts and even express that they don’t believe that the accused was capable of abusing a child. The grandiose narcissist is easily liked and can easily fool others to what they are really about.

It is extremely difficult to identify an individual in a child’s life that has these characteristics. Most coaches, many teachers, ministers, and family members can be viewed as grandiose by a child therefore your child wants to be around them. As a watchman have you noticed any boundaries being crossed in these relationships? A boundary being crossed can be an honest mistake or ignorance, but it can also be a telltale sign that your child is being groomed. When a boundary is crossed check the individual, look into their behaviors. If things begin to appear to be all about them, perhaps contact should be limited or ended.

When those that believe the grandiose persona more than the victim a tremendous injustice to the victim occurs. Often an accused molester will utilize pity as a defense mechanism which feeds his narcissism, but also removes focus from the victim.

Good watchmen will look for the small signs that a predator may be grooming a victim and do what they can to prevent abuse from occurring. In addition, a good watchman will not allow the pity card to be played by an abuser to the point that the voice of the abused falls silent.

Stop seeking perfection

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imperfection

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop trying to be like the Cleaver’s. Just as Hollywood creates scenes that never exist today, with “Leave It to Beaver” from 1957-1963 the ideal family as depicted by the TV show never existed. The way some people speak today, they believe that families had it so much easier in a different time. The reality is that the same problems existed. Maybe people were better at masking their family flaws because of fewer communication mediums, but the problems were still there. In fact, we have evidence all the way back in Genesis of severe family dysfunction.

In Genesis there are several examples of dysfunction. Adam stood by and watched his wife be deceived. Cain killed his brother Able. Sarah gave her servant, Hagar, to Abraham as a surrogate. Then once Sarah got a child by her servant she abused Hagar as Abraham remained passive throughout the ordeal. Lot reluctantly left Sodom, then his daughters after getting him drunk, had incestuous relations with him. Isaac and Rebecca played favorites with their twin boys. Esau had no discernment and sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. Jacob tricked his father into giving him Esau’s birthright with Rebecca’s help. Later Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah after seven years of labor and then after another seven years and marrying Rachael, Laban changed Jacobs wages many times. Ten of Jacob’s sons sold Joseph into slavery for twenty-two years kept the truth from their father. When we look at Genesis the conclusion can be made that dysfunction in families is common, and that God can have great plans for those who come from a dysfunctional family.

The statistics show that more often than not an abuser will come from those you know more often than they would be a complete stranger. So what happens when abuse comes from a sibling or a brother or sister in-law? We can look to Genesis and have a fairly good idea that chaos may be quick to follow. Will sides be taken like they were with Isaac and Rebecca? Will the truth be hidden from someone like it was from Jacob regarding Joseph? It is sad to say but probably so. This is why it is so important for the nuclear family to have good watchmen within it like what can be found in Ezekiel 33:1-6. With watchmen that will speak up when they see trouble and not back down perhaps their children can be spared from abuse, or if abuse has already occurred, then prevent the abuse of others at a later time.

Know the tactics

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A hand moving a chess piece during a game

To fight passivity, we must know what to be aware of what to look out for. Child molesters are master manipulators. Often they also have a group of advocates that surround them as well. These advocates are often very good people who are extremely gullible and are likely too trusting as they won’t verify what they have been told by one who would harm a child. These individuals are the “useful idiots” of a child predator. In order to know what to look for, we need to look for the tactics that the molesters and their advocates use.

One very common tactic used is gaslighting. This tactic gets its name from a 1944 movie “Gaslight” starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In this movie Boyer’s character attempts to drive Bergman’s character insane. The tactic involves modifying evidence or falsifying information to cause one to doubt his or her own recollection of the story.

Gaslighter’s use:

  • Denial
  • Compartmentalization of data
  • Deflection
  • Invalidation
  • Minimization
  • Blame
  • Depreciation
  • Domination
  • Humiliation
  • Insincerity

Does this sound like something common? Patrick J Kennedy in his book “A Common Struggle” shared some insight to what the late Senator Ted Kennedy, his father and arguably the patriarch of the Kennedy family at that time, had to say when Patrick’s addictions were out of control by his own admission.

“I saw a picture of the car, and I don’t know why they’re making such a a big deal of this. It looked to me like it was only a little fendah bendah.” Patrick Kennedy went on to state, ‘Very old-school. No ‘How are you doing?’ Just “a little fendah bendah” (or, for those not raised in New England, “fender bender”). In fact, that’s pretty much how he suggested I play it with the press and the public.’

Do you see how Ted Kennedy began to frame an event that happened to his adult son? Within a few sentences one can find, denial, minimization, and domination. A narrative was being formulated to put the family as a whole in a good light, but not his son, Patrick’s health. Powerful political families and families down any street in America are professionals at saying nothing.

Saying nothing is passivity in disguise and it is making a mess out of a lot of things including the statistics on child abuse in America today. We must become aware of the tactics that those who would harm our children use or those who would advocate for them. By learning these tactics we become better watchmen.

Passivity Breeds Chaos

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Passivity Breeds Chaos

Passivity breeds chaos. This is a universal truth that we find throughout life in everything around us. A poorly maintained automobile will eventually provide the owner with much frustration, as it becomes less efficient and unreliable requiring replacement way before the same model that had been maintained. A neglected home will require very expensive repairs before one can live in it once again. Relationships suffer from neglect. Look at your marriage, what would your marriage look like if you did not communicate with your spouse but for fifteen minutes every three months for a few years?

Luke 10:30-37 – 30 Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. 31 Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. 32 So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. 34 He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 And the next day he took out two denarii[a] and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’36 Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” 37 He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

Looking at Luke 10:30-37 who caused greater chaos for the man going from Jerusalem to Jericho? The priest and Levite made a decision to be passive in the situation and to not act as they passed on the other side of the road. The Samaritan, the one who chose to take action and be assertive had the most positive impact on the man who was robbed and injured. It is a common battle to fight passivity. Many are lulled into a passive state and do not even know it. This passive state opens these families up to

Genesis 3:1-7 – “Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You[a] shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise,[b] she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.”

Men have been fighting passivity since the times of Genesis. We can go all the way back to Adam and see a man struggle with passivity. Adam did not step in and tell Eve that they needed to leave as the serpent was tempting her with the fruit. He stood there, watched and listened as she asked about the fruit, picked the fruit up and then took a bite of it. No protest from Adam is recorded in the Genesis account. Through Adam’s inaction sin came into the world. One does not have to have the news on long to see that we live in a fallen world.

Why is it so important to note that passivity is a challenge that men face? In the context of the Ezekiel 33 Project it is critical to understand that to be a good watchman that the luxury of being passive is not an option. Passivity is even described in Ezekiel 33:6.

“But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, so that the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any one of them, that person is taken away in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.”

Can one that calls himself a watchman be a watchman at all if they see trouble coming and fail to speak up? What good is the security guard that does not alert others and then attempt to stop a thief from breaking into a warehouse in the middle of the night? Wouldn’t a security guard who did such a thing be considered an accomplice to the crime?