Tag Archives: grooming

The Normalization of Grooming

Grooming is the normalization of inappropriate behavior. In the case of childhood sexual abuse, one way a predator may begin to groom is to show a child pornography and talk about it with the child. Then after progressively normalizing the viewing of this material they create a psychological bond with them. Then the child they are grooming willingly allows the one grooming them to go beyond talking about pornography to acting out physically. This becomes more concerning as many parents may be unaware of the content in their child’s school library. The content in many books the LBGTQ community want in our schools are material that could be used to set the table for conversations with children that can lead to grooming. These books contain pornographic content that cannot be read aloud at a school board meeting, yet they are allowed on the shelves in the school library.

More alarming than the content in these books, is how many people had to approve of them before they hit the shelves. Furthermore, are those who will come to defend the books being in your child’s school library after they are discovered by concerned parents. Recently, in Keller Texas, Marty Baker of the Heritage Church of Christ took the floor in the school board meeting to defend the books being in the libraries of the Keller Independent School District. Baker is the youth minister at the congregation where he is employed. This is concerning given the role that he holds and the fact that the eldership of that congregation has been silent on the matter as Baker continues in his role as the youth minister at Heritage.

In the State of Texas, it is illegal to display harmful material to a minor (Sec 43.24) it is also illegal to encourage a child to engage in sexual conduct (Sec 261.001). The content in the books discussed in the meeting were so graphic that public decency laws would have been violated had they been read aloud at the meeting. Furthermore, how could a teacher, counselor, administrator, or youth minister speak with a child about the contents of these books and what they describe as a positive thing and not be in violation of Sec 261.001 by encouraging sexual conduct of a minor or Sec 43.24 by displaying harmful material to a minor?

In Romans 13:1 we are commanded to submit to the authorities as they have been put in place by God. In this situation however we have a minister who believes that he is serving God yet is imploring a local school board to allow material that cannot be read aloud in public without violating public decency laws. If the books had different covers and were sold in a corner convenience store, the act of showing these materials to a child could put someone in legal trouble. Through the advocating for these books, Mr. Baker is advocating for behaviors that are contrary to the book that one would assume he taught from on Sunday morning given his role. This is a troubling situation that someone involved with youth would advocate for materials that predators could use as a tool to groom children for sexual abuse.

The concerns go beyond Mr. Baker. The leadership of the congregation where Marty Baker is on staff are either extremely slow in their response or have decided to be the watchman that remains silent as described in Ezekiel 33:2-6. These men are comfortable with the employee responsible for youth at the congregation they lead to advocate for the normalization of behavior inconsistent with the Bible’s teachings on human sexuality. Since there is no alarm expressed by the eldership, would they be capable of identifying grooming behavior? Would a claim of the sexual abuse of a child be handled appropriately given the inaction to this point on the matter? Would the predator or the child be treated better at this congregation after a discovery or disclosure of abuse? Nobody can predict the future, but in this instance there is a track record to be observed that can provide insight into how predatory behaviors would be handled by the leadership of this congregation.

How is predatory behavior handled where you worship? Have you asked for the policy on sexual abuse and was it willingly and quickly provided? Are grooming behaviors addressed in addition to the handling of abuse in the policy? How will a claim of abuse be handled if one brought an accusation to a minister or elder? Have you asked what the policy is for registered sex offenders attending your congregation? These questions above are not exhaustive but a guide to help you determine if the where you worship has already considered the topic of abuse and has a plan. Sadly, many have not considered what to do and do not have a plan.

Abusive situations and love bombing.

Love bombing is a term that has been out there for some time but has recently received more attention from abuse advocates such as Sarah McDugal. In exploring this topic and considering its uses in the case of child sexual abuse within a family or a church, at first one might consider that love bombing is reserved for romantic relationships between adults where the manipulative individual showers the other with praise, adoration, and gifts. Upon closer examination, one can note that the grooming process where a predator manipulates a child is also often love bombing. The manipulator creates a relationship where the child craves the “love” that they will endure the abuse to gain the praise and adoration. This is a powerful technique because love bombing targets the desire to receive praise and attention. Especially a child getting adoration and praise from someone significantly older than they are. When we look closely, we can quickly see that love bombing is not the love we find in I Corinthians 13.

I Corinthians 13. “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

At the tail end of I Corinthians 13:4 one will find that love does not insist on its own way, and that love is not irritable or resentful. When boiling it down love bombing is a manipulative tactic where gifts, adoration and affection are used to reel in individuals so they will act a way that the love bomber wants them to act. When things do not go as the love bomber plans, one can see that the “love” that had been offered was never true love as described in I Corinthians 13.

In cases where abuse is occurring and a child has not spoken out, a predator will likely love bomb the family of the child that they are abusing. This will often be done in the full view of others and will use these acts of kindness to deflect accusations should they arise. Very often these deflections will come by those who witnessed the acts of “kindness” meaning that the heavy lifting is left to others to defend the predator. This allows the predator to sit back, observe others defending the indefensible because of some acts of kindness they performed. This also pretty well seals that they will be able to continue to abuse because the next person will think twice before making an accusation.

In situations of secondary abuse, those aligned with an abuser will shower the survivor or their loved ones with attention and unwanted gifts. It is not until later when a request is made to be in the presence of the abuser, or a request not to prosecute is made that the trap is realized. The trap is the realization that the gifts and adoration were really a bribe to buy the acceptance of the abuser, or of those aligned with the abuser. Either answer in a situation such as this is uncomfortable. If one goes against their conscience and chooses the side for the abuser which could lead to further abuse. On the other hand, to decline the individual who has been showering gifts and praise, is uncomfortable. This is the intention of the love bomber. This discomfort is secondary abuse that is being thrown in an individual’s direction.

With the holidays fast approaching, are you, or your child being love bombed? Are you shown ample affection if your plans are the plans that others want you to have? Have you deviated from the desires of others and received an angry outburst and the affection that you had received so richly cease? You could be dealing with a love bomber who is working to manipulate you or your family.

The Grandiose Narcissist

The grandiose narcissist can be a very dangerous person to have your children around. A narcissist is incapable of reacting appropriately to others pain or discomfort, and a grandiose individual is one who is impressive, larger than life, easily attracting a crowd or following. James Martin in his November 13, 2011 article in americanmagazine.org indicates that research has been done in the Catholic sex abuse scandal indicating that there were two common traits among the priests that had been removed. Why is this concoction so concerning? We are not looking for a shady person hanging around a city park, the more likely scenario is these are people you already know and have access to your children.

If one is paying attention they have seen similar situations on the news. Often after an arrest some reporter will roam a neighborhood getting the opinions of neighbors. Most of the answers the reporter will get is that the person arrested was a great person and that they had no idea, and state that the offender loved children and would never harm a child. Many will mention the individuals volunteer efforts and even express that they don’t believe that the accused was capable of abusing a child. The grandiose narcissist is easily liked and can easily fool others to what they are really about.

It is extremely difficult to identify an individual in a child’s life that has these characteristics. Most coaches, many teachers, ministers, and family members can be viewed as grandiose by a child therefore your child wants to be around them. As a watchman have you noticed any boundaries being crossed in these relationships? A boundary being crossed can be an honest mistake or ignorance, but it can also be a telltale sign that your child is being groomed. When a boundary is crossed check the individual, look into their behaviors. If things begin to appear to be all about them, perhaps contact should be limited or ended.

When those that believe the grandiose persona more than the victim a tremendous injustice to the victim occurs. Often an accused molester will utilize pity as a defense mechanism which feeds his narcissism, but also removes focus from the victim.

Good watchmen will look for the small signs that a predator may be grooming a victim and do what they can to prevent abuse from occurring. In addition, a good watchman will not allow the pity card to be played by an abuser to the point that the voice of the abused falls silent.

The Molesters Toolbox – Apathy

apathy-quotes-6  Apathy

Apathy is a favorite tool of the devil. An apathetic Christian requires little effort to trip up. An apathetic parent is the best kind of parent for the child molester. An apathetic parent is one that is more easily deceived, and one that provides more unquestioned opportunities for someone to be with their child.

I Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Two definitions of Apathy are: 1) absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. 2) lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

In a fight one of the most critical things that one can do is protect their head. By doing so you protect your ability to think about the situation, counter, or remove yourself from the situation. Although family gatherings, social occasions with large groups of friends and social occasions at church are not fights per se, they are situations where your mental guard must be up. One of the best ways to prevent your child from being targeted by a molester is to demonstrate that you keep up with where your child is and what they are doing in social situations.

Apathy is an easy trap to fall into. When we go and visit family do we know all who are present? Sure we know the names and have past experiences with these people, but do you really know them? Did someone show up that you haven’t seen in a while? This does not guarantee trouble, far from it. It does however require you to keep your guard up. There is a reason that the statistics are the way they are regarding family and friends and the probability of your child being abused by one of them opposed to a stranger.

If any of your friends or family has lied to you or deceived you for anything beyond a surprise birthday party, they likely will again. This is important to not be dismissive of such occasions. If you feel that you either need to record conversations or take notes because you have felt you are losing your mind while discussing past events with a family member or friend, then you do not need to be apathetic regarding your children when you are around this person. Remember, the number one tool used by a molester is deception. Keep your guard up.

Apathy is a valuable tool to a molester because an apathetic individual will likely not stand in front of a lie or deception. An apathetic individual will not know where their children are in social situations more so than parents who are more alert. When a molester chooses to groom a victim they will be more apt to pursue the children of apathetic parents.

Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Jesus was warning the disciples not to fall into temptation, but they were alone in the garden of Gethsemane at night. What temptation? What was there to put their guard up for? Little did they know that the next few hours the disciples would witness their friend arrested, tried, and then executed. Imagine all of the different types of temptation that they could have gone through as these events took place.

The action that Jesus wanted the disciples to have was to be alert. The first word in Matt 26:41 in the ESV is “watch” if we look at the definition of apathy it is difficult to keep watch and be apathetic at the same time. There are definite differences, but there are also similarities that the good watchman must employ in the protection of his or her family. In social situations in your extended family, friends, church, do you actively keep up with where your children are and what they are doing? Do you periodically check on them a few times an hour, or can hours go by without you knowing? When your child wants your attention do you give it to them or encourage them to go off and play?

Looking at the metaphor of being a watchman, is it possible to be a good watchman and be apathetic? Based on the definition of apathy it is not possible to be a good watchman and apathetic. Think about it, if you are someone who depends on a watchman for your personal safety you don’t want him or her to be apathetic. Your children depend on you for their safety. Be the good watchman.