To a survivor, April 2020 is either a blessing or a curse.

April is sexual assault awareness month and things are different. We are mostly confined to our homes as we wait for our local, state, and federal authorities to determine for us all when we get back to how we lived previous to this virus arriving. This virus has done one of two things for those who have endured abuse prior to coronavirus becoming such a common phrase in our daily lexicon.

For those who endured abuse where they live, the shutdowns and limitations on movement ensure that they will be in the presence of their abuser more often and may get little respite from their presence and abuse during this time. These are the ones that will endure acts that are horrific while the rest of the nation complains about the lack of being able to go to their favorite restaurant or get a haircut. When this ends these are the ones that could make an outcry for help as they seek to escape the nightmare of who they had to be near to for the duration of the emergency declarations. When the restrictions end, those who have close contact with children should be especially mindful of what a child may have endured while isolated in their home.

Those who endured abuse outside of their home during these shutdowns are likely content with the situation as they do not have to be in the presence of or endure the abuse of those who have abused them before the restrictions on movement were put in place. This could an opportunity for those in the home to listen to why a child does not wish to be around an extended family member, day care worker, church volunteer, minister, or family friend. The reason could be silly or serious. Children often have strange reasons for not wanting to be around someone which could seem suspicious.  Many times, one might find their child does not like a trait that someone else has rather than having experienced an abusive situation. Other times a child may not want to be around an individual that they previously loved being around. If there is a significant age difference, the reason for this should be probed further.

Both type of survivor described above deserve to have someone who is watching out for them, an individual who looks out for their best interests even when there is pressure to look the other way. What they are looking for and what the world needs more of are good watchmen who will sound the alarm when things do not look right. The most challenging skill a good watchman must acquire is the ability to speak and take a stand against a group that wishes to remain silent and do nothing. A good watchman lives Ephesians 5:11 by not only avoiding evil deeds, but also exposing them. As it appears as if the month of April will be past when most of the country is able to freely move about let’s not forget to be aware for those who have endured sexual assault.

Scheduling announcement

Due to the significant challenges that we are currently facing as a result of the Covid-19 virus all currently scheduled workshops and seminars are postponed. As events are re-scheduled, new dates will be posted.

What? Your congregation or organization had not scheduled a seminar? Let’s talk about the benefits of hosting one and begin making plans for late summer or fall of 2020.

Abusive situations and love bombing.

Love bombing is a term that has been out there for some time but has recently received more attention from abuse advocates such as Sarah McDugal. In exploring this topic and considering its uses in the case of child sexual abuse within a family or a church, at first one might consider that love bombing is reserved for romantic relationships between adults where the manipulative individual showers the other with praise, adoration, and gifts. Upon closer examination, one can note that the grooming process where a predator manipulates a child is also often love bombing. The manipulator creates a relationship where the child craves the “love” that they will endure the abuse to gain the praise and adoration. This is a powerful technique because love bombing targets the desire to receive praise and attention. Especially a child getting adoration and praise from someone significantly older than they are. When we look closely, we can quickly see that love bombing is not the love we find in I Corinthians 13.

I Corinthians 13. “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

At the tail end of I Corinthians 13:4 one will find that love does not insist on its own way, and that love is not irritable or resentful. When boiling it down love bombing is a manipulative tactic where gifts, adoration and affection are used to reel in individuals so they will act a way that the love bomber wants them to act. When things do not go as the love bomber plans, one can see that the “love” that had been offered was never true love as described in I Corinthians 13.

In cases where abuse is occurring and a child has not spoken out, a predator will likely love bomb the family of the child that they are abusing. This will often be done in the full view of others and will use these acts of kindness to deflect accusations should they arise. Very often these deflections will come by those who witnessed the acts of “kindness” meaning that the heavy lifting is left to others to defend the predator. This allows the predator to sit back, observe others defending the indefensible because of some acts of kindness they performed. This also pretty well seals that they will be able to continue to abuse because the next person will think twice before making an accusation.

In situations of secondary abuse, those aligned with an abuser will shower the survivor or their loved ones with attention and unwanted gifts. It is not until later when a request is made to be in the presence of the abuser, or a request not to prosecute is made that the trap is realized. The trap is the realization that the gifts and adoration were really a bribe to buy the acceptance of the abuser, or of those aligned with the abuser. Either answer in a situation such as this is uncomfortable. If one goes against their conscience and chooses the side for the abuser which could lead to further abuse. On the other hand, to decline the individual who has been showering gifts and praise, is uncomfortable. This is the intention of the love bomber. This discomfort is secondary abuse that is being thrown in an individual’s direction.

With the holidays fast approaching, are you, or your child being love bombed? Are you shown ample affection if your plans are the plans that others want you to have? Have you deviated from the desires of others and received an angry outburst and the affection that you had received so richly cease? You could be dealing with a love bomber who is working to manipulate you or your family.

Harding University Lectureship 2019

Yesterday I had the pleasure of serving on a panel at the Harding University Bible Lectureship discussing sexual abuse in Churches of Christ led by Bobby Ross Jr. of the Christian Chronicle. Christine Fox Parker and Chellie Ison joined were on the panel with me. We discussed abuse, its prevalence, how it has been handled, and recommended ways of handling abusers within a congregation. From this discussion there were four things that stand out as highlights from the conversation.

Abuse is far more prevalent than anyone cares to admit.

Churches should prepare for when this will happen and have contacts to refer survivors to when abuse is reported.

Those who abuse are deceptive and manipulative not only to their victim but to all in their victim’s world.

Alternative worship opportunities should be put in place to serve the spiritual needs of offenders in an environment that does not have children.

The audiences were fantastic and had excellent questions in the question and answer session.  Audio is available on the audio page found under “Events”.

Upcoming events

It has been too long since my last post. However, there have been quite a few developments since the last update.

First of all, a very intensive final class has now been completed. With that said school is over and the intention is using the extra time and some of the knowledge gained to further the mission of The Ezekiel 33 Project. Just because things have been quiet on the blog, does not mean that things have been sitting still. There have been two developments that have happened since the turn of the year everyone should know about.

First, on August 23-24 we will be at the Tru Church Ministry Conference in the Oklahoma City area. We will be there and participating in some of the sessions available. This is not a lectureship or a collection of sermons, but rather a conference where those delivering the message are involved in the ministry they are speaking about. There will be two sessions. The idea behind the presentations is risk and opportunity. There are risks because of the world we live in today and we must do what we can to prevent abuse in our churches and beyond. With the risk, we know that not all abuse can be prevented. It is because of that fact that there are opportunities that exist for those churches who make it a point to be survivor friendly.

Second will be at the Harding University Bible Lectureships held from September 29 through October 2, 2019 in Searcy Arkansas. Bobby Ross Jr. with the Christian Chronicle will be hosting two panel discussions on sexual abuse this year and The Ezekiel 33 Project will be there. This will be an opportunity to hear from different individuals who work in the ministry of prevention and advocacy.

With this new-found freedom we will be seeking out additional opportunities to work with different congregations to help them understand the risks, take preventative measures, and when abuse occurs, how handle the abuse in such a way that cares for the survivor rather than the predator. If you know of a congregation or youth organization that would be interested in discussions like this please send them our way.

Removing Privilege

With only 12 more weeks to go until the conclusion of this degree program I can say that the class I’m currently in has tremendous application for the Ezekiel 33 Project. I’m taking a class on conflict management as my elective that I need for my particular degree program. It is very different taking a class from the communications department rather than the business department, but the benefit is real. I planned to take this class as I knew it would have application well beyond my A job.

In the news as of late is the exposure of the Southern Baptist Convention by the Houston Chronicle and San Antonio Express-News. Sadly, this story is not different at all from the stories that we have read about previously. Pastor arrives at one location and abuses children. Then the Pastor is moved as a result of their actions and more survivors are created by not only those abusing the children, but also by those who covered the issue up. Many of the survivors were urged to be forgiving of their offender.  It is sad to say that it is the same pattern that we have been witnessing may likely have to endure for a while.

A quote from Dr. Brene Brown states that, “Opting out of speaking out is the definition of privilege.” Think about that quote for a second. Choosing not to speak up when one sees something wrong happening is to reject the individual in need and approval of the “right” for an offender to do what they are doing. James 4:17 calls us to be different by reminding us that if we know the right thing to do and do not do it, we are in the wrong, we are committing a sin by our silence.

Our failure to expose abuse is in other words approval of the abuse. If one approves of abuse, then they reject the one who has endured the abuse. Rejection is the opposite of affiliation, and rejection causes the same parts of the brain to be engaged that would be engaged if one experienced physical pain. When we fail to believe or reject those who state they have been abused we are causing them great pain. This pain that is experienced is why we must be survivor friendly, particularly churches. A survivor friendly church does not cover up but exposes. A survivor friendly church has policies where a survivor can see efforts made to include them and make them feel safe. A church that becomes survivor friendly will have become a more comfortable church home to at least 20% of its membership and becomes more attractive to 20% of the population based on statistics.

We are social creatures and we crave acceptance and belonging. We also have a savior that is not unfamiliar with rejection and abuse. Think about this for a moment, God allowed man to physically abuse His Son so that man might be saved by His Son. While on the cross, Christ called out “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” as he took on the sin of the world. Sure, he felt physical pain of the nails and crown of thorns, but more text is given to his crying out to God as he felt rejection. God knows about abuse, he was there as his son was whipped and beaten. Jesus knows about rejection, he experienced it as he bore the sins of mankind on the cross.

The problem of abuse that we face is not unique to any particular group. Nobody is immune. Any way that a politician might possibly want to divide us will yield the same statistics. The statistics are stable across race, religion, region, and economics. Because of this fact we have an obligation to expose abuse when it occurs and provide a caring environment that endured the abuse. In doing so we eliminate the privilege that many hide behind and we become the good watchman as outlined in Ezekiel 33:2-6.

We are worse than we think we are.

Recently, I was able to read the book, Predators Pedophiles, Rapists, & Other Sex Offenders by Anna Salter Ph.D. This was an interesting read given that I had never read any of her material before, yet some of my conclusions and her conclusions are similar if not the same.

A key takeaway that stood out to me is the ability of an individual to have a higher view of their abilities than they truly have and how that translates to our efforts to keep those around us safe. Furthermore, Dr. Salter’s findings on deception, who is good at detecting it, and their ages was chilling. Our organizations, especially our churches have got to get away from DIY abuse mitigation. The stakes are too high and the probability of getting it wrong is large with potentially eternal consequences.

The Ezekiel 33 Project will be at the Tru Ministry Conference in Oklahoma City on August 23-24, 2019. More detailed information to come soon, but this will be an exciting conference not like many others. We’d love to see you there.