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The Normalization of Grooming

Grooming is the normalization of inappropriate behavior. In the case of childhood sexual abuse, one way a predator may begin to groom is to show a child pornography and talk about it with the child. Then after progressively normalizing the viewing of this material they create a psychological bond with them. Then the child they are grooming willingly allows the one grooming them to go beyond talking about pornography to acting out physically. This becomes more concerning as many parents may be unaware of the content in their child’s school library. The content in many books the LBGTQ community want in our schools are material that could be used to set the table for conversations with children that can lead to grooming. These books contain pornographic content that cannot be read aloud at a school board meeting, yet they are allowed on the shelves in the school library.

More alarming than the content in these books, is how many people had to approve of them before they hit the shelves. Furthermore, are those who will come to defend the books being in your child’s school library after they are discovered by concerned parents. Recently, in Keller Texas, Marty Baker of the Heritage Church of Christ took the floor in the school board meeting to defend the books being in the libraries of the Keller Independent School District. Baker is the youth minister at the congregation where he is employed. This is concerning given the role that he holds and the fact that the eldership of that congregation has been silent on the matter as Baker continues in his role as the youth minister at Heritage.

In the State of Texas, it is illegal to display harmful material to a minor (Sec 43.24) it is also illegal to encourage a child to engage in sexual conduct (Sec 261.001). The content in the books discussed in the meeting were so graphic that public decency laws would have been violated had they been read aloud at the meeting. Furthermore, how could a teacher, counselor, administrator, or youth minister speak with a child about the contents of these books and what they describe as a positive thing and not be in violation of Sec 261.001 by encouraging sexual conduct of a minor or Sec 43.24 by displaying harmful material to a minor?

In Romans 13:1 we are commanded to submit to the authorities as they have been put in place by God. In this situation however we have a minister who believes that he is serving God yet is imploring a local school board to allow material that cannot be read aloud in public without violating public decency laws. If the books had different covers and were sold in a corner convenience store, the act of showing these materials to a child could put someone in legal trouble. Through the advocating for these books, Mr. Baker is advocating for behaviors that are contrary to the book that one would assume he taught from on Sunday morning given his role. This is a troubling situation that someone involved with youth would advocate for materials that predators could use as a tool to groom children for sexual abuse.

The concerns go beyond Mr. Baker. The leadership of the congregation where Marty Baker is on staff are either extremely slow in their response or have decided to be the watchman that remains silent as described in Ezekiel 33:2-6. These men are comfortable with the employee responsible for youth at the congregation they lead to advocate for the normalization of behavior inconsistent with the Bible’s teachings on human sexuality. Since there is no alarm expressed by the eldership, would they be capable of identifying grooming behavior? Would a claim of the sexual abuse of a child be handled appropriately given the inaction to this point on the matter? Would the predator or the child be treated better at this congregation after a discovery or disclosure of abuse? Nobody can predict the future, but in this instance there is a track record to be observed that can provide insight into how predatory behaviors would be handled by the leadership of this congregation.

How is predatory behavior handled where you worship? Have you asked for the policy on sexual abuse and was it willingly and quickly provided? Are grooming behaviors addressed in addition to the handling of abuse in the policy? How will a claim of abuse be handled if one brought an accusation to a minister or elder? Have you asked what the policy is for registered sex offenders attending your congregation? These questions above are not exhaustive but a guide to help you determine if the where you worship has already considered the topic of abuse and has a plan. Sadly, many have not considered what to do and do not have a plan.

The time to learn is now.

It is time that institutions that educate those that desire to go into ministry to educate not only on the scriptures, but the challenges in the world today along with the techniques that predators use to exploit churches so that they may hunt. Our congregations need “Men of Issachar” those who know the times and know what to do. I Chronicles 12:32. The ignorance on display is creating a situation where those who wish to serve others are as effective as those who passed by in the parable of the Good Samaritan.

Recently two news articles involving the Denton Bible Church in Denton, TX highlight the need. After reading the articles with the first one stating what had happened involving the activities of the congregation after it was disclosed that a youth pastor had abused 14 girls between two churches. The second article stating when that the offender was nearing his release which is another subject involving our government and the need for longer sentences for sexual predators.

Having reviewed these news articles and the letter to the congregation published by Denton Bible Church after an investigation was completed, there are still some questions that remain for the leadership and head pastor Tommy Nelson.

In this forum there have been multiple articles written about the two types of watchmen as described in Ezekiel 33:2-6. The two types of watchmen consist of those who will sound the alarm if things appear suspicious and the watchman that won’t sound the alarm even when danger is imminent. Covered previously is also the topic of the “flying monkey”. There are two types of those as well. There are the flying monkeys who will defend an offender and no matter how serious the accusation, evidence, or complete knowledge of what the offender is doing. Those will never believe that the offender could ever do anything wrong as they stubbornly side with one who is doing harm. The other type of flying monkey is one that will defend an offender through being just out of touch enough that they inadvertently defend. These flying monkeys are the useful idiots used by an offender to increase the size of the crowd defending them in the event of an accusation.

Tommy Nelson was warned of Robert Shiflet and his pattern of finding himself alone with young girls by youth workers. In 1999 a youth intern stated that they were uncomfortable with the way Shiflet treated young girls. Shiflet was denied a promotion due to his propensity to be found alone with girls. Due to being denied the promotion, Robert Shiflet sought employment as a youth pastor at Fellowship Bible Church in Arkansas. Although he was denied a promotion due to how he had a way of ending up alone with young girls, Nelson did not share any concerns with Shiflet’s employer in Arkansas. At this point it appears that Tommy Nelson was involved in passing a predator around much like what was found to be happening in many of the Catholic Diocese investigations in the same period.

While in Arkansas, Shiflet abused at least three girls at Fellowship Bible Church in Arkansas. Shiflet left Arkansas to move back to Denton where he again attended Denton Bible until 2005 when one of his victims shared her abuse to a counselor who got the wheels of justice moving.

In a statement to Denton Bible Church Nelson claimed he did not know of any abuse until 2015 when the father of one of the victims came to him. Although Nelson was made aware of the abuse by the father of one of the victims, authorities were not notified even though he was a mandated reporter.

When confronted with the question of a cover up, Nelson denied this strongly stating that the times had changed during his time in ministry stating that from 1974 – 2005 he had never heard the word “pedophile” or know what it meant. Based on many of the crimes involving children in DFW in the late 1990s that is a statement that is difficult to believe. Nelson may not have known what a pedophile was at that time, but according to the youth worker, youth intern, and a promotion withheld, Nelson knew what a pedophiles behavior was. At the time that Shiflet’s promotion was withheld, the reason why should have been clear. In this it appears that there was a willing lack of curiosity, the out of touch flying monkey.


Based on his behaviors Nelson, and the leadership at Denton Bible Church behaved as the bad watchman described in Ezekiel 33. They were told of trouble with Shiflet on multiple occasions. For whatever reason nobody stopped to examine things much like the priest and the Levite in the parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:31,32 that passed on the other side of the road. To do this would not have been a huge inconvenience. It would have taken a phone call. Nelson remained just out of touch enough that he became the kind of flying monkey that he would defend Shiflet because he never made the effort to be curious.


https://www.fox4news.com/news/fox-4-investigates-14-girls-sexually-abused-by-north-texas-youth-pastor-the-red-flags-the-church-ignored?taid=633cec3be9289400014c1ff1

https://www.fox4news.com/news/denton-bible-church-youth-pastor-abuse-rob-shiflet?taid=63b53219d1c013000105d1cd

DARVO Much?

DARVO is a technique employed by abusers and their flying monkeys that is the preferred technique employed by caught, accused, or even convicted abusers.

Deny – Deny that the abuse even happened. If there is overwhelming evidence and it happened a very long time ago, playing the card of how long ago it was and how changed the abuser will be used.

Attack – This can be a blatant smear campaign against the survivor and as subtle as casting doubt regarding details questioning the integrity of the survivor or their case.

Reverse the role of the abused and offender – When the reversal happens it will sound something like, “I can’t believe that someone who has done so much good would be accused falsely of such things.”

There is a recent example of this technique that made the national news in the Oklahoma City area. Michael Coghill was charged with lewd/indecent acts with a child in September of 2021. This came about after a child spoke with his father about how he got uncomfortable when a man would come and touch him while he was at the school bus stop. Soon after the disclosure the father dropped his son off at the school bus stop and then parked a little distance away and waited while recording the school bus stop. A short time later a jogger (Coghill) ran past the children at the school bus stop for a distance then turned around and proceeded to touch the child unaware of the father recording the incident from a distance. After a few moments and being sure to capture the events on video, the father approached the jogger and got into a confrontation with him while attempting to detain him until the authorities arrived. In the confrontation the jogger Michael Coghill sustained multiple facial injuries at the hands of the father.

It was learned that Coghill was the involvement minister at the Lakehoma Church of Christ and he was dismissed immediately. A previous employer of Coghill, the Choctaw Church of Christ employed a different technique regarding Coghill, DARVO.

In a news report covering the response of the Choctaw congregation one can observe a well executed application of DARVO for the television broadcast by the minister of the congregation.

“Knowing his character and his work here, no way, how could this happen?” Kessler said.   He went on to add, “Like it was a sick joke of some kind,” Kessler said. “I couldn’t believe it, thought somebody had doctored the picture.”  When Kessler was asked about the families of children for whom Coghill was a youth minister, Kessler stated that the parents were extremely supportive, “They keep coming to me saying, ‘We talked to our kids because our kids were in the youth group when Mike was here,’” Kessler said. “And they all say, ‘No way, no how.’” 

Kessler, the Choctaw congregations minister concluded the interview by telling the reporter of the prayer vigil to be held for Coghill., “We’re having a prayer vigil, we’ll call it, starting at 9 p.m. tonight going through 7 a.m. in the morning,” Kessler said. “My hope is there’s something, some kind of evidence, that in the end will prove Mike’s innocence.”

Now that we have the quotes provided in the Jenifer Pierce piece from September 27, 2021 for channel 9 news in Oklahoma City, let’s examine how DARVO was employed by the minister and by extension the congregation in Choctaw.

We’ll match the acronym to the quotes and provide some explanation of how the statements made by the minister are harmful.

Denial – “Knowing his character and his work here, no way, how could this happen?” Kessler said.

Attack – “Like it was a sick joke of some kind,” Kessler said. “I couldn’t believe it, thought somebody had doctored the picture.”  When Kessler was asked about the families of children for whom Coghill was a youth minister, Kessler stated that the parents were extremely supportive, “They keep coming to me saying, ‘We talked to our kids because our kids were in the youth group when Mike was here,’” Kessler said. “And they all say, ‘No way, no how.’”

This Attack is more subtle; however, the intent of the statement is essentially questioning the integrity of the video which captured Coghill in the act and of the father who then acted to detain Coghill.

Reversing the role of abused and offender. This was already quoted in the Attack above, however the Attack had two layers to it including the reversal. – When Kessler was asked about the families of children for whom Coghill was a youth minister, Kessler stated that the parents were extremely supportive, “They keep coming to me saying, ‘We talked to our kids because our kids were in the youth group when Mike was here,’” Kessler said. “And they all say, ‘No way, no how.’”

In the role reversal Kessler claimed how supportive the families of the children Coghill had worked with in the past were. This is drawing attention to all the good that Coghill had done coupled with the prayer vigil and claims of innocence. The implication being that if Coghill is innocent, then how awful is the father and young man who brought all of this on Coghill.

This article’s quotes highlighted the use of the DARVO technique by a congregation to defend an individual who had been videoed touching a child and what a former employer used to bring the accusations into question and defend their former employee. This technique is used in multiple scenarios beyond abuse in churches. At Ezekiel 33 we have seen DARVO employed in families, churches, and school situations. It can work in the simplest and most complex of abuse cases to take the negative attention away from the offender and attempts to put the negative attention on the abused.

Learn DARVO, learn to recognize its use, there are enough news stories and items on social media where you can observe its use. When you learn to recognize it, when you see it being used in a situation you can impact, you will have the opportunity to correct oppression (Is 1:17). “Taking no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.” Eph 5:11. In doing so, you take on the role of the good watchman.

Still in the fight

This post is a bit different than the norm. I do feel it necessary to share a bit of what has gone on in the recent and not so recent past.

In 2019 I wrapped up a masters degree and worked to get back into a cadence of publishing content at a regular pace. The organization I was with was going through significant change that required more hours than would allow creativity to write when off of work. In 2020, well need I say more COVID and with that, a furlough which led to my exit from an organization I loved, but it was time that I move on. In the back half of 2020 and early 2021 I was with a new organization, that in the early spring of 2021 I had seen the warning signs of unstable management and the need to get out. They beat me to it and laid me off on 4/15/2021 along with several others. That date will forever hold other significance which I will celebrate for a good while with good BBQ and fireworks so long as I live outside of the city limits.

In June of 2021 I began my next position with my current employer. This place has many attributes similar to where I was furloughed from in 2020. After a few months on the job I was offered the opportunity to relocate to Oklahoma and office out of headquarters which I accepted. Days after closing on a house in Oklahoma, my mother fell ill. She passed back in May and things have not been the same. She did however love the work I did here.

The above was my sob story or excuse for not being as active here over the past few years. I’m working to get content together for the next post. I am still in the fight and have spoken with various churches in various capacities regarding becoming survivor friendly, protecting the flock from predators, and consulting on various situations where predators may have been attempting to sneak into a flock.

Remember to keep your eyes open and that anyone can be the good watchman, it just takes a lot more effort than being the bad one.

Steve

Modesty is not just an external issue, and It’s not just a ladies issue either.

This is a hot button topic that has been getting plenty of attention recently for at least 2 reasons.

  • Matthew West’s production of a single called “Modest is Hottest”
  • The summertime is in full swing and it’s plenty hot outside.

As with most years, many of the lessons on modesty taught in our churches, can rapidly be deconstructed to targeting the ladies while the silence around the gentlemen is deafening. This lack of balance provides those with less awareness or understanding just enough surface knowledge that they feel qualified to make extremely hurtful statements around instances of sexual abuse.

The hurtful statement(s) being referred to: “what were you wearing” or “what was she wearing”

The question of, “what were you wearing?” should not be one that is uttered especially in our churches. Unfortunately, it has been heard far too many times. What an individual was wearing has nothing to do with another individuals decision to instigate a sexual assault.

Let’s consider what that question claims. It claims that one’s choice in wardrobe was directly responsible for someone else’s decisions. Have we not all learned by now that the only person you can control is yourself?

What a survivor was wearing has nothing to do with the fact that another individual chose to forcibly assault them. What about when the survivor is a child? Are we blaming the outfit (read parents) for what others did? There is no shortage of parents who have been asked what their child was wearing when their child was abused. What an incredibly insensitive question to ask. Unfortunately, this is one that will be asked by even the sweetest of people in a congregation that have had the privilege of being unaware of those around them who have experienced sexual assault who are unaware that 20% of those they sit with on Sunday morning have experienced sexual abuse.

There is a museum exhibit traveling around the country to different universities debunking the myth that what an individual wears has anything to do with sexual assault. Sure, some of the outfits in the exhibit could inspire the typical sermon on modesty, but many others would have been approved by a preacher should his daughter have been dressed in a similar outfit. The thought that what someone was wearing when assaulted was the cause of the assault needs to be done away with in our churches. An assault has NOTHING to do with what someone was wearing, it has far more to do with what was going on in the perpetrator’s mind.

Could it be that our churches have been horribly imbalanced in how modesty is taught? Where are the lessons focused on the inward issues that deal with modesty AND thought life been? Where have the lessons regarding “taking our thoughts captive” (2 Cor 10:5) been? Where have the lessons been to the men on what are they teaching their sons? Where are the lessons discussing appropriate thought life for the Christian male?

There is a place for balance in the teaching that goes on in our churches regarding modesty because it is both an internal and external issue. There is room to teach on thought life and external modesty. One addresses the external and the other addresses arguably the more hidden and important internal practices. Job addressed thought life in 31:1 in the ESV the word used is gaze. “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how could I gaze at a virgin?” In Matthew 5:21-30 in the Sermon on the Mount, Christ addressed the importance of our thought life. “Do not get angry” and “Do not lust”, were statements where Christ knew the origin of the outward sin that man commits. Should we not take note that we must focus on our inward thought life that nobody sees as well as what we do outwardly that everyone can see?

How many have heard a lesson pointed at the men addressing their thought life? We know there are scriptures to back a lesson such as that up. Have they been heard as often as the lessons on modesty aimed at the ladies? Why the deficiency?

With the statistics in the United States today being at a minimum 20% of the population having experienced sexual assault before 18, what are we telling the survivors in our pews? How is such an imbalance survivor friendly? It is not a stretch for a survivor to feel as if they are being blamed for what happened to them with such emphasis on outward clothing without discussion of what one’s mind is clothed with.

When teaching on modesty there is a lesson to be had for the external AND the internal.  Without balance our churches and families will continue to emphasize what our daughters and sisters are wearing without touching the corrosive thoughts going through the heads of so many boys and men who feel entitled.

The thirst for strong leaders

A recent Christian article stated the need for obedience to the leaders of the congregation that one attends rather than shopping for a new place to worship should a disagreement with leadership arise. It is factually correct and squares with scripture assuming the leadership of your local congregation is following the scripture and the law. It is at that point that the church leadership of the congregation which you attend may deviate from scripture, their duty to protect the flock, and the local, state, and federal laws where one can come into disagreement with the author of the article.

 Beyond disagreement, it is at the point of deviation that if left unchecked congregational leadership may weaponize scriptures about their authority in order to control an individual or family impacted by abuse. Hebrews 13:17 “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are watching over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.” The previous verse along with the first part of I Peter 5:5, “Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders.” Is the perfect recipe for a young family to be cajoled into submission by those who are supposed to protect them but choose to not investigate or investigate on their own an accusation of abuse. Those who have endured abusive situations will hear these verses in a weaponized fashion if the action they take to protect themselves or their children is contrary to the advice or prescription given by the leadership of the congregation they attend.

A common scenario in an incident of abuse aftermath within a congregation comes in four steps very often with the leadership in full knowledge. 1. The abusive act is minimized if the survivor is believed at all. 2. The survivor is told they must “forgive” which really means that the survivor must act exactly as they did prior to abuse in the presence of the abuser. 3. Any mention of law enforcement involvement by the survivor or their family is met with cries of unforgiveness and statements of condemnation in earthly and spiritual arenas. 4. Silence, the abuse and abuser must not be spoken of.  Let’s remember here that most of the time that when the term unforgiveness is thrown around everyone involved is still wrapping their head around the totality of the events that have occurred. If one is still wrapping their head around the events that they or their child endured, it is too early to forgive and space is needed to evaluate exactly what is being forgiven.

This type of behavior in congregations and congregational leadership leads to a conclusion that must be considered. Have some congregations inadvertently become the church in Corinth described in I Corinthians? Paul in I Corinthians 5 states that immorality that is not even tolerated among the pagans was being accepted in the church at Corinth. It is difficult to think of any act more immoral than the sexual abuse of a child yet, if one considers the four steps mentioned earlier, tolerance, acceptance and perhaps enablement are words that come to mind. It is well documented that child predators and rapists in prison are not safe and that other inmates have been known to harass, injure, or murder the predators and rapists. Those who are thieves, deal drugs, and physically violent do not tolerate what is tolerated in many congregations today. With this knowledge, one must conclude that without the right leadership, a congregation can easily be a I Corinthians 5 congregation of the modern day.

Beyond the comparison to I Corinthians 5, the failure to report such crimes which is covered earlier in the four common steps is a violation of the law in most cases. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services there are 48 states that have mandatory reporting laws regarding child abuse. Each state is different, but it is safe to say if the leadership of a church is aware of an abusive situation and they are not reporting it the odds are pretty good that the local laws are being violated. Now consider Romans 13:1-2, “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God. Therefore, whoever resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgement.” If the leadership of a congregation is discouraging reporting abuse rather than helping to report it or encouraging silence rather than exposing evil as found in Ephesians 5:11, their deeds are contrary to their calling and serious self-reflection is in order.

This is the point at which those who have been faithful members of a congregation for years may decide to seek other places to attend services. This search for another church home is not consumeristic, but rather a search for a congregation with leaders who are obedient to the scriptures including the previously mentioned Ephesians 5:11 and Romans 13. At this point a family seeking another church home is very much like a group of spiritual refugees seeking relief from what they had endured.  Therefore, there is no disobedience if the family is seeking a church home that will not ridicule them for pursuing justice for a predator that abused their child rather than becoming amenable to leadership that will not expose darkness or do what legally should be done in the case of abuse.

Leaders, if there is an outcry of abuse within the flock you are to oversee, you must take it seriously. You are not the only watchmen of your flock, but by your title and role you should be leading the way when it comes to challenging decisions.  When an abuse allegation arrives, it is your opportunity to lead. Very often leaders are called to make difficult decisions, and, in this case, it will be one of the most challenging times of your life. It will be difficult for a myriad of reasons including the fact that predators are often well known and liked within a congregational setting. Predators often use their relationships and likeability to create built in doubt once an accusation is made. If a leader does what is right in these instances, they will be challenged by those who lack complete understanding of the situation. It is normal in these situations for the predator to stir up those who would make a leader’s job difficult. It is because of these many challenges that often leaders follow the siren’s song to cover up an incident. The conundrum for making the correct decision can be avoided through leaders making the decision to create a set of policies dictating what actions to take when abusive situations arise.

  1. Any accusation of abuse will be reported and investigated by local authorities.
  2. No effort will be made to investigate an instance of abuse from any party within this congregation.
  3. Full cooperation will be afforded to the authorities.
  4. Any investigation that concludes that abuse likely occurred will be communicated to the congregation for the protection of the children who regularly attend or visit the congregation.
  5. Known predators that wish to attend services will be offered alternative services online or within their home.

The darkest situations that we face in life are the very reasons that we need godly leadership of our local churches. Wise caring shepherds that care for those of the flock are an integral part of that equation. Those who are leaders of a congregation that choose to not lead by obedience to the scripture have a difficult position to defend. Simply put: Shepherds, if you want your sheep to loyally follow, Lead.

How real is the issue?

Since beginning the Ezekiel 33 Project one question I have received by many is, “How big is the issue really?”. My first inclination is to respond that the question is the wrong on to be asking given the serious life long challenges that come with childhood sexual abuse. My second thought is that perhaps real numbers have not been analyzed or considered by those of faith. Below is a brief presentation as to why the Ezekiel 33 Project exists and what its purpose is.